Monday, January 31, 2011

Tired, and achy - Day 51

Can't remember if these are side effects I experienced last time on this stuff, but huge neck-ache all day today. Headache coming on now too... Wondering if I haven't had enough water... Hankering for ice cream too. Just saying.

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Sunday, January 30, 2011

Woke up thinking of this song

t-52 days (PLEASE don't wait, comment at

So I may very well be giving up on Cymbalta, possibly in lieu of a bottle of Celexa that I still have, and a lack of reasons not to use that. When faced with the huge trial I've had in getting ahold of freaking Cymbalta, especially (but not limited to the "free samples" I was promised by my primary care, as well as my psychiatrist... Don't get me wrong, it's not the Doctors' fault that I am domiciled with my parents and can't afford to pay $7-22 per dose of this crap... Anyway, I have been off Cymbalta for a time, and I feel I'm safe to go back here. Will be documenting that, and will have to review my past experience of side effects and stuff. One thing is for sure, the major reason I had for switching away from it, assuming memory still serves, no longer applies.

Meanwhile I'm still working through things with my family. My wife and son are still around occasionally. My parents help where they can, and try not to be overbearing. I'm sure they'll have a comment here at least once in the coming days. Whether I have to post it for them or not...
I can only change myself.
You can spend all your time focusing on being right, or you can be happy, (or married, or have a good relationship). I'm going to focus on giving up being right all the time and see what happens with those who I would have been focusing on convincing. I need to focus on backing up other's opinions, rather than killing myself to prove my point.

Does any of this make sense?
Amber, Laura, etc.

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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Censorship (I'll move on now)

And censorship, that by-product of fear - stemming as it does not from some positive agenda, but from the desire to escape our own terrors and superstitions by imposing them on others - must surely be resisted.  ~Jonathon Green

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Monday, January 24, 2011

For Carlos

1:27:13 PM James: Hey, did you get your songs on your iPod?
1:27:35 PM Heather: ya.
1:27:46 PM James: good
1:28:00 PM James: Well okay, can I ask a tough question?
1:28:42 PM Heather: what's that?
1:28:52 PM James: About me on different meds
1:29:45 PM Heather: huh?
1:30:40 PM James: If you were to compare how I acted on Cymbalta - the latest drug, to Celexa (the one we decided wasn't good for sex), which has helped my coping skills, and behavior more?
1:31:45 PM Heather: Why are you asking me this?
1:32:13 PM James: Because you were with me at the time I was taking both, and *I* don't know the answer
1:32:58 PM Heather: Are you thinking of changing drugs or something?
1:34:22 PM James: just trying to come up with a history...
1:36:52 PM Heather: Do you really want my opinion?
1:37:44 PM James: I want your opinion of everything besides the sex, because I know that part, do you remember any other side effects, which do you think was better for me to be on?
1:40:14 PM Heather: Cymbalta - worked with less side effects. Celexa worked fine too but more side effects.
1:40:32 PM James: equally as good?
1:42:28 PM Heather: Cymbalta worked better until you gave up - in my opinion.
1:42:49 PM James: When would you say that was?
1:43:59 PM Heather: Your first break through in letting go was on Keegan's birthday.
1:44:15 PM Heather: It started going down hill from their.
1:44:19 PM Heather: there.
1:45:51 PM James: What do you define as "giving up", in that event, did I stop taking meds, or just stop trying to control behavior with their help...?
1:47:41 PM Heather: You knew the consequences for your choices. You had been down that road before. You knew it, you were given other tools to stop it, to take another path, but you didn't.
1:48:46 PM James: What other tools are you including?
1:50:21 PM Heather: Drugs, Therapy, group counseling, time out's, calling counselors,  going over to trusted person's home, etc.
1:50:42 PM Heather: Leaving the scene.
1:50:53 PM Heather: Walk away.
1:51:31 PM James: right.
1:54:34 PM James: Well, I've gone over time. Thanks for talking to me about all this. Would you add anything else?
1:55:50 PM Heather: No, but what history is this for?
1:56:10 PM James: My own discovery.
1:56:29 PM Heather: You just wanted to do it just because?
1:57:52 PM James: Well no. Cymbalta is not easy to get these days, what with no insurance, and having to drive 30 miles to get it, so I'm just trying to see whether it
1:58:01 PM James: really is worth it...
2:00:29 PM Heather: So you want to try something new?
2:00:39 PM Heather: Or go off drugs completely.........
2:00:41 PM James: Not sure.
2:01:00 PM Heather: I believe will power is better. I always have.
2:01:20 PM James: When it's backed by tools
2:01:46 PM Heather: Yes, agreed.
2:02:00 PM James: If the tools aren't there, or arent
2:02:19 PM James: aren't enough, or aren't being used, then it's a loss, in my book
2:02:32 PM Heather: You choose your own path.
2:02:52 PM Heather: I choose to get out of PTSD
2:02:58 PM James: Something like that.
2:03:02 PM Heather: I choose to not live with anxiety
2:03:19 PM Heather: I let myself dip into depression or live without it.
2:03:28 PM Heather: It's my choice.
2:03:37 PM Heather: It always has been.
2:04:10 PM James: Sounds about right
2:04:24 PM Heather: I can't have total control of my surroundings or how my life will turn out but I can choose how i control myself.
2:04:33 PM James: So am I to understand you are not on any meds?
2:05:19 PM Heather: Yes. Everyone agreed they weren't good for me, I could do it better on my own.
2:05:35 PM James: hmm, everyone?
2:05:42 PM Heather: I have some anxiety pills if I ever have anxiety come back but that's it.
2:05:52 PM Heather: Everyone?
2:05:54 PM Heather: What?
2:06:11 PM James: Who is tha?
2:06:12 PM James: t
2:06:23 PM Heather: I don't understand.
2:06:48 PM James: Who is everyone?
2:07:25 PM Heather: Counselors, doctors, Psychiatrist.
2:08:06 PM James: Oh so all the people you see every day. I thought you maybe meant family, husband, co-workers.
2:08:18 PM James:
2:09:28 PM Heather: No, only my co-workers and friends see my on a daily basis now. I would have to ask them.
2:09:58 PM Heather: And Keegan
2:10:33 PM James: Don't volunteer just for me. Especially if all you are going to do is get my hopes up. Keegan isn't old enough to evaluate this sort of question.
2:11:10 PM Heather: What?
2:11:20 PM Heather: You and I barely talk anymore.
2:11:29 PM James: yes?
2:11:51 PM Heather: So all these meds I went on were from June- Sept.
2:12:05 PM James: ok… so?
2:12:21 PM Heather: How would you evaluate them when we barely talked?
2:15:55 PM James: Heather I'm not saying I would have been able. Your family sees you regularly enough, but that's not my point. I said don't volunteer to ask just because of me. Not your family, or your co-workers, nor friends. Although I find it an alien concept that YOU have friends you hang out with on a daily basis, like the same person day after day… Maybe that is just history talking… Maybe it
2:16:06 PM James: is just me.
2:18:43 PM James: or WAS just because of me that you didn't...
2:20:20 PM James: It IS fairly obvious that you and Keegan, and your whole family are doing just fine without me around.
2:20:39 PM Heather: What is going on here?
2:21:07 PM James: I never know anymore.
2:22:10 PM Heather: Are you upset that I never asked you I did on the meds?
2:22:27 PM James: no
2:22:33 PM Heather: Or that I never had my friends over on a regular basis while we were together?
2:22:45 PM James: How could I ever be upset with you?
2:22:56 PM Heather:
2:23:44 PM James: What?
2:23:55 PM Heather: Or that I am doing alright?
2:25:24 PM James: Glad I'm out of your life?
2:25:51 PM James: Can't hurt you ever again?
2:26:02 PM Heather: Where did that come from?
2:26:20 PM James: Couldn't manage it even if I tried
2:26:57 PM James: I seem to have found my answer.
2:27:26 PM Heather: Ok.
2:28:21 PM James: I'll leave you alone. Tell Keegan I won't try to ruin his life anymore.
2:29:32 PM Heather: When you are hurt, you say things like - I won't stick around to ruin anyone elses life.
2:29:55 PM Heather: I know, James is hurting and is stonewalling, running awa.
2:29:57 PM Heather: away.
2:30:03 PM Heather: You can run away.
2:30:14 PM Heather: You have always made your own choices.
2:30:20 PM James: thanks for that.
2:30:21 PM Heather: They are yours to make.
2:30:53 PM Heather: It should not hurt you that your family is improving but it does.
2:31:39 PM James: you were right all along - I am a terrible person
2:32:17 PM Heather: If you keep telling yourself things like that, you will believe it.
2:32:41 PM James: How am I supposed to feel, if my family ONLY progresses when I am forcibly taken out of the situation and told to stay the Hell away?
2:33:01 PM James: What am I supposed to "believe"?
2:33:03 PM Heather: The past can not be changed but learned from.
2:33:26 PM Heather: The present is a gift to be shared and made the most of
2:33:44 PM Heather: The future is your.........make of it what you will.
2:33:53 PM James: None of these things are in the past. None of these things are a present, they are a knife inbetween two of my vertabrae
2:34:13 PM Heather: Find the pain!
2:34:18 PM Heather: face it
2:34:48 PM James: What does that even mean?
2:35:09 PM Heather: You are in pain.
2:35:15 PM Heather: Find the source.
2:35:24 PM Heather: Face it.
2:36:02 PM Heather: Fix it and then come out a survivor and not a victom
2:36:11 PM James: wow. so insightful. my pain is caused by seeing that all I do is cause others pain, how does this not invite running away?
2:36:29 PM Heather: Run away!
2:36:34 PM Heather: See where it gets you.
2:36:42 PM Heather: See if it fixes things.
2:36:49 PM Heather: See if you find peace
2:37:16 PM Heather: The problem is the pain in you!
2:37:21 PM Heather: You can't run away from that.
2:37:36 PM James: erego why I said I'll leave you alone.
2:37:51 PM Heather: You can't run away from that either.
2:37:53 PM James: And my work, and all those people.
2:38:17 PM Heather: The pain will stay with you until you fix matter what you do.
2:38:25 PM James: Good thing I don't have any friends coming around every day.
2:38:44 PM Heather: Pain.
2:38:50 PM Heather: Striking out in every way.
2:38:57 PM Heather: Pain.
2:39:16 PM Heather: Tell me how you really feel.
2:39:27 PM Heather: How you feel betrayed.
2:39:33 PM Heather: Alone
2:39:55 PM Heather: It's not the same anymore.
2:39:56 PM James: sure. Why didn't I see it before? How could I miss something so easy?
2:40:18 PM James: face it?
2:40:33 PM James: what could that EVER MEAN?
2:40:56 PM Heather: Your thoughts are eating at you.
2:41:10 PM Heather: Rather than let them, do something about them.
2:41:24 PM James: they're all I've ever had.
2:41:27 PM Heather: You can be acted upon or act.
2:41:36 PM Heather: Your thoughts?
2:41:45 PM Heather: Or your choices
2:41:51 PM James: I certainly never had you.
2:42:00 PM Heather: Pain.
2:43:03 PM James: I'm so glad you're doing better without me. That really makes me feel like a million  bucks.
2:43:40 PM James: I can't do this, I've got to go.
2:44:11 PM Heather: You won't be happy with what you feel you want or not because you aren't happy with yourself.

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Thursday, January 20, 2011

I saw something today, that almost made me throw up

I saw a license plate frame like this:

On a little crappy RAV-4 being driven by a woman who looked like this (almost like he had a sister and it died):

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Sunday, January 9, 2011